my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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