So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
