she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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