Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We have so much sex to catch up on
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
