we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
