Porn is love you can see.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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