I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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