I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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