omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
