My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
