Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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