Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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