that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
