Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
