I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
