I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize