Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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