You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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