Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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