i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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