i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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