My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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