I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
