I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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