i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
