I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
