mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
