You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize