Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
