my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
