I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
