every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
