im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
