new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize