So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
