I want to walk on stilts...naked
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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