he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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