I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
