6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize