You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
