Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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