I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
