and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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