even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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