Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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