I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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