I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
