I want to make a zoo with you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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