I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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