U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
