This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
