she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
