talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
