One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
