I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
