dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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