my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
