Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
