We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
