This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
