They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
