Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
