when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
