She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i think i just lost a toe
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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