I'm lost and stupid without you.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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