I wish my penis had an off switch
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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