I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
