those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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