Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
