Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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