One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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